Anniversary Dinner at El Puerto Argentinean Restaurant in Ybor...

I guess it’s really about who’s cookin’ that night, right?
If someone passionate, happy, talented, and wearing a quality cushioned arch support is in the kitchen that day, you're most likely in for a treat--- no matter where it is...
Am I wrong to imagine that most all of the restaurants we frequent have kitchens with stressed cooks and prep staff, and only rarely a 'chef' who's associated by name, rep, and if you’re lucky, a fairly solid, well deserved ego?

That's why I 'try' to not comment on a place after only one visit if I left deflated, or worse, hostile…
But I'm in a struggle, thinkin' El Puerto had their chance with me...
In all of Tampa, I was sitting at a table in their restaurant, where the owners undoubtedly wanted me to be----- on a special occasion...

So here's the experience, with my Argentinean wife's stamp of approval, which I'm considering counting as a second visit…
I regret imposing negativity publicly... People who know me well know that I'm at my best when I'm being a passionate advocate for something awesome...
Hopefully we'll see a lot more of that, but when we left El Puerto I felt ---- 'jacked'...

I remember curling up naked in a dry bathtub...
I never did find out whose bathtub that was…

Salads came and they were bare-bones and forgettable, but that's not something I would normally care about... A basket for the table with 2-3 pieces of nice bread came with them...
We ordered a couple Empanadas as appetizers, and they were decent, but bland and routine…

When the ‘Parrillada for Two’ arrived at the table we said; “Ooooo” because it was a mound of assorted grilled meats and sausage and that’s just what you do…
But in a flash I noticed it was not shiny, not glistening in the candlelight---- no visible moisture, no accumulating bread-soppin’ juices on the bottom of the platter like when we do it at home…
We asked for ‘medium’, but the meat was tough and dry…
There was no evidence that any of it was just cooked…

Sensing my disappointment, my wife glanced at me and her eyes widened seeing the heartbeat on my forehead, and the lights beginning to flicker, but I learned on our second date (I cooked on our first) that we smile and make yum yum noises until we need nothing further from our server, or from the kitchen...
There is no complaining or sending anything back, no matter how tactful or well received...
At that point her jaw is wired shut!
Wolfgang Puck himself could hand her an apologetic to-go box and a gift certificate and both would go in the trash as soon as she got home!
Of course as soon as she went to sleep I'd be diggin' for gold...

When we asked for a couple more pieces of bread to have with the meal, our waitress, who was able to speak whatever language she wanted, just shook her head no and mumbled... I translated this to mean they were out, or close to it, but we were there early--- their first dinner customers, and new tables were still served baskets of bread…
We thought we were on Candid Camera…

There was only one Morcilla (blood sausage) in the ‘Parrillada for Two’ (something we both love and anticipated) but when we inquired we were told ‘yes, that’s correct’…

Oooooo, that guy! Where’s that Ashton Kutcher?!---- Where is he?!

I just checked the menu and it says 'double the portion of the Parrillada for One', so they owe me a freakin' Morcilla! Carajo!

An Asadero in Argentina, even a drunk uncle, is a master of heat and salt, so I was shocked that there was little to zero salt on any of the meats…

You're probably aware how buttery, juicy, tender, and delicious Entraña (outside Skirt Steak) can be...
This was dry and tough---- dark brown, but with no crust…
I regret I didn't have my camera with me this day...

We ‘gnawed’ at most everything…

The Mollejas (Sweetbreads---- something we love even more than Morcilla) were again, as bland as unsalted popcorn, hard and chewy… The sausages, even though they had decent enough flavor, weren't juicy!

All of it--- seemed as if it was cooked a day or two earlier and kept in a fridge only to toss on the heat at the last moment before serving… I have no proof, but as a home-cook this is how I imagine you'd get this result...
And inconceivably, there was no grilley smoky essence coming off this platter, taste or smell…

It seemed to be what you’d end up with if you took unseasoned meat out of a package, threw it under a broiler, went to the restroom and got caught up laughing and crying with the new Reader's Digest...

After we left I peeped thru the kitchen window to see if the meat was cooked on a grill over wood, carbon, or fire… I needed answers!
Cuts of meat were being moved around on the thick black cast iron grates of a big stove-like apparatus... It could have been a grill, but I saw no glow, no sparks, no fingertips of flames coming from underneath…

Disappointing to me, many Argentineans are rigid in preferring their meat to be cooked ‘bien cocido’ (medium-well to well-done), and somehow it STILL comes out tender and delicious…

In Argentina I learned the word ‘jugosa’ (who-gosa +/-) to get most beef-cuts pulled off the grill while they were still pink and juicy, although some achuras, (offal cuts) like Mollejas a la Parilla (sweetbreads), and Chinchulines (intestines) are best when cooked for a longer time, till reduced and crusty...
Ay Mami...

This food is something we do every so often; whenever I can get near a grill (I no have one), but this was our anniversary, and because I kept hearing about this Argentine restaurant in Ybor, I decided that's where we’re goin!

It’s not easy to screw this food up if you start with quality well marbled meats friendly to grilling, salt them, and toss them a few inches over obscenely hot wood carbon or coals till crusty, yanking them off to rest and cook thru gently, releasing their magic bread-soppin' juices into the serving platter…

Of course sausages might require a few extra minutes, thicker cuts need what they need, Mollejas this way need time to render and crust-up--- but they should still be soft and juicy inside…
I certainly never imagined I’d need to tell them that!

A few people whose opinions and taste-buds I greatly respect have given the place a thumbs-up, so maybe their main man called-in that day----- but ya know, with Texas de Brazil in town and the decadent Boizao Brazilian lunch rodizio for $19.99 I can’t imagine why I’d go anywhere else to ‘get my meat on’ as the idiots say…

Oh, one last funny thing…
Not that we cared, but my wife said she didn’t hear one Argentinean accent the whole night…
Ay Dios Miiiiio!

Edited to add:
After all this, feeling bad, I've concluded I owe them a second visit...
I'll go happy, with friends or by myself, and order too much...